Why childfree?

The decision to be childfree is one of the last real choices that we have. A choice, because whilst there are many different reasons that a person may have for not going down that path, there is no shortage of children who need responsible parents.

Let’s break that down a bit. What are some of the reasons?

The world over we are raised to believe that continuing the reproductive cycle is not just a responsibility, but an obligation. Although parents may now be more tolerant of their children’s choice not to have kids, that does not necessarily translate to acceptance or support. In many cultures and religions there is still an expectation that men are the leaders and breadwinners of the household and it is their duty to bring honour to their family by having kids, and importantly, more boys rather than girls. By the same token, from a young age girls have traditionally been given dolls to play with, which in doing so preconditions those girls to expect to take care of their own children down the track. Many childfree people, and women in particular, are able to recount stories in which they have been interrogated and judged by family and peers as to when they are going to start a family. Some common invalidating comments can include “but children are such a joy”, “you’ll never know real love”, “you’ll change your mind when you meet the right person”, and the classic and somewhat selfish “who will take care of you when you’re older”. Ironically, it seems to be ok for people to say things like these to the childfree, but to even hint that a parent should better manage their unruly child is often met with a defensive attitude and a stern warning that nobody can tell a parent how to parent their kid.

The cost of raising a child in first world countries like the USA, UK and Australia can be around $200k to $500k per child from birth to 18 (assuming the 18 year old is completely self sufficient from that age onwards).

Except for the very few, gone are the days of free university education, owning a house or generally living debt free. Post WWII our generation of boomers were born, so called due to the encouragement around the world to rebuild the populations of countries that had been decimated by war. The golden age that baby boomers were born into is long gone for the rest of us. Although generational wealth can be passed along from those who did well, boomers may have had multiple kids who in turn had multiple kids and so on, reducing the amount of money and support that can be given. The cost of housing, groceries, education and services greatly affects all of our lifestyle choices. Throw a baby into this and something essential has to give if that kid is to have the best possible chance at life and become a contributor to society rather than a burden.

8.2 billion and growing at about 70 mil a year. The global human population is higher than the natural resources of the planet can sustain. Climate change/global warming or not, we are facing food and fresh water shortages around the planet. For those in first world countries this may not be as apparent because the supermarket is just down the road, but for everyone else who doesn’t have such luxury, survival considerations need to be made on a weekly or even daily basis. Religion has pushed large families for generations and promoted this as a way to appease the gods (among other things). Many governments have now assisted with this marketing campaign as their national budgets rely on future growth to determine what projects they can reasonably afford over the decades to come.

Medical issues can preclude people from having kids. Perhaps it’s a genetic or mental disorder, maybe it’s a permanent injury, or it could be that having kids might exacerbate a pre-existing condition that could harm the person or the child if the choice is made to proceed. It may be argued that medical reasons by themselves may not necessarily stop a person from being a parent, but the psychological effect of having that condition can lead to conviction that being a parent isn’t meant to be. This can cause someone to structure their life in a way that allows them to live their best whilst managing their condition and any psychological repercussions.

Not every person who is capable of having kids should have kids. The majority of people are fertile from puberty and accidents can happen at any age. How many of us can put our hands up and say, “I was intended”? Whether we believe we were or not, our childhoods were controlled by adults of varying emotional, educational, financial and ethical responsibilities. Understandably, most parents want the best for their kids and will protect them as much as possible but that doesn’t mean they raise them in a way that prepares them to be self-sustainable assets to society. Childhood trauma doesn’t have to be overt or sustained to have an effect on that future adult’s psychology and subsequent parenting ability. Perhaps the risk of some sort of trauma is more significant if our parents didn’t want to be parents in the first place. Some people never really learn how to properly ‘adult’. We are all caught up in our own perceptions of reality, how we should be treated and what we are entitled to. Those who are unwilling to reflect on their behaviours in an effort to rectify shortcomings or become better people are already disadvantaged and similar traits can be passed onto their children. Identifying areas of ourselves that we know would not contribute to the benefit of a well-raised child and choosing not to be a parent because of our perceived deficiencies, is far more responsible than simply having kids because we can.

Social infertility: Social infertility describes the cohort of society that may be open to having children but are met with barriers as a result of things like sexual orientation, financial restrictions or relationship status, thereby making them childless. IVF, surrogacy, foster care and adoption exist but may not necessarily be accessible due to the laws or bureaucratic processes of a country, or the costs involved. Remaining options generally involve being a stepparent or accepting a childfree life. Some single women who have not met the right partner to parent alongside them are embarking on solo IVF procedures in pursuit of motherhood, completely aware of the responsibilities involved with being a single parent and preparing their lives in such a way that allows them to achieve their goal. That’s great for them, and that level of consideration and responsibility is wonderful for the kids they are raising. However overall, whether it is possible to have children or not, the desire to include children is present and is at odds with those who actively choose to be childfree.

Similarly, empty nesters or people who have had children but have lost them or chosen not to take responsibility for them are not considered childfree. These people made a choice, either intentionally (actively pursued parenthood) or accidentally (didn’t use protection or take other steps), to include children in their lives.

Living a childfree life

Despite the social stigma and discrimination that we can experience regularly, those of us who are childfree do so prepared to brave it and build a lifestyle that works for us. Like many areas of society though, some people have stronger views than others. Childfree people are sometimes considered selfish or irresponsible because their choice goes against the grain of normalcy, and sometimes we can be labelled as child haters or crazy cat people. Perhaps being childfree causes some parents to feel fear in that they did not feel able to make the same choice for themselves. Childfree is not about hate of children or parents. Childfree.life does not condone expressions of hate or violence towards anyone. We all have or had parents. We all had childhoods. We all had to make it to adulthood and deal with the things that all adults have to deal with. Consider that, like with any situation that causes harm, how a person is treated by others during their life might influence how they perceive and interact with society as a maturing adult.

Know thyself. Ancient Greek and also referenced in The Matrix. Only you know if parenting is a lifestyle choice that is right for you. Are you ready to put your time, effort and money into bringing another person into the world and giving them every opportunity to succeed from birth to adulthood? If the answer is “yes”, options are available. Natural reproduction, IVF, adoption, foster care, and plenty of parenting education, support groups and forums. If the answer is “no”, consider the responsible path and take steps to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. Condoms, vasectomy, birth control pills, IUDs, surgery, abstinence (heaven forbid), and the growing global childfree movement that you can reach out to for support.